No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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