Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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