Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
