I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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