i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
