Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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