trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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