friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
