Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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