I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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