There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
