So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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