We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
