sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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