he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
