do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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