Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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