Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
