A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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