I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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