I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
