A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
