Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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