nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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