The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
