Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
