Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
