You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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