i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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