Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
