did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
