just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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