and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
