I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
