im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm sobbing to NWA
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
