We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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