I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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