I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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