my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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