I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
