he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
