What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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