dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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