The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
