Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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