allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
