how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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