apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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