I accidentally had phone sex last night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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