I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
