there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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