the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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