If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
