i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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